Hi. My name is Steven Fluet, and I'd like to talk to you about Rowan Bristol


When I was 21, I had an imaginary friend.

And she hated my guts.

What would ultimately become Rowan Bristol began as Carol Lewis, a writing and roleplay exercise that got out of hand. I was writing a character that was talking directly to me and wanted me dead. I was terrified, but at the same time, I kept writing. I began asking her questions directly. Our dialogue wasn’t something I understood until many years later. At the time, all I knew was that there was this living breathing person inside of me.

If this sounds insane, it’s quite likely at the time I was. I had, as long as I can remember, been told I was ugly and obese. For 8 years, I would get up in the morning, and hear some variation of those words at least ten hours a day from the same 40 people. At home, I wasn’t directly called such, but always reminded that I wasn’t thin enough to be acceptable. I never found anything I was good at to fix the problem, and any group activity meant that I was going to spend time with at least one of those 40. When I looked outside my school for a community via scouting…I was physically abused repeatedly, cumulating in having my wrist broken by a scout leader with a wooden beam. By high school, I was a basket case.

High school began with the birth of my sister, and my mother’s nervous breakdown, which I later discovered she blamed me for. I was now imagining slights, and attacks, and lashed out against my family and friends. Although I dated in the second half of high school, I could never accept that I was desirable. I lashed out at my partners as well; desperate for any affection, but believing that I didn’t deserve any of it.

In college, I tried to put that all inside. Tried to just be me without all the mess. I’d found what I thought was a community in Kansas. Along with all that, was a somewhat new idea:

You can’t be a fey dreamy kid without being told from the age of six that you’re gay. I was roughly seventeen before I understood what a homosexual was. I’m one of the ‘lucky’ few that managed to avoid the raging passions of puberty and spent that time bewildered. I was into romance, more because of what I’d read than what I felt. Besides, I wanted affection more than sex. So, I was into femmy things, kind of out there, and sensitive as fuck.

The crew I was with in college was convinced I was gay. I mistook gay for approval and acceptance. I had a fling that I thought was something more, and discovered what an incredible disappointment I could be to another person. I remember being in tears as some guy jerked off on my chest because I couldn’t get him off. After that fling fell apart, I was persona non grata to my friends. I realized that even if I was what other people wanted me to be, I was still the same disgusting thing that I’d been told I was as a kid. After the first year of school, I dreaded going back.

I tried writing, and that brings us back to Carol. While coping with this, I settled into a new romantic routine. I went after the people that showed me the least bit of affection. Didn’t matter how unpleasant or abusive they were. I hooked up with some terrible people, and they became the focus of my life. School didn’t matter, because I was more concerned with whatever I could do to make these people like me. I had no friends, a girlfriend who was abusive, and an imaginary friend that hated me.

So I went home. I brought the girlfriend with, but my family kicked her out in a few days. I gave up contact with anyone from Kansas, and tried to give up everything that resembled that past. Over six months, I attempted to lose enough weight to enter either the army or the navy. Although I dropped over fifty pounds, it wasn’t enough. I tried Greenpeace for a while, and that didn’t work out. Through it all, I tried to keep Carol hidden. I’d talk to her, but I was so determined to be masculine, and even moreso, sane, that it wasn’t an issue. Carol hated me, but I was becoming something so unlike her, I was able to push her aside.

After Greenpeace, I was offered a second chance at college. I took it, and it truly was one of the better times in my life. I returned to theatre, joined the renfaire, and found someone that wasn’t a ‘settle’. Although I didn’t do great in my regular classes, I did well in theatre, and when my girlfriend went to college in Urbana, I began to use the internet for the first time.

College and the girlfriend lasted rougly as long as each other. If I wasn’t doing theatre, I was spending the rest of my time online, engaging in MUSH roleplay. Initially, it was with my girlfriend on PERN, but I got into the Worlds of Darkness games, and found other places. That’s the point where Carol Lewis transformed into Brenda McAlpin, or ‘Brynnie’.

I’d given this imaginary friend a full fledged life, and she wasn’t willing to let go. Here there were communities that liked her, and thought she was great. Back in the day, it was really easy to spot a MUSH trannie, ad Brynnie slipped effortlessly under the radar. She wasn’t some fat jerk pretending to be a girl. She was real.

College came and went without a degree. I moved on, got work, and moved in with a good friend who had a decent internet connection. Brynnie had a full life that I didn’t have. I had friends I’d roleplay with once a week, a few long distance relationships that were disasters, but Brynnie had great friends she spent tons time with. And thus, the animosity retuned. Why couldn’t Brynnie have that in the real world?

There were a lot of mistakes made in that time period. Several aborted attempts to bring Brynnie into the real world. A few friends knew about Brynnie, and what was going on. Some were fine, if a bit bewildered…Others, not so much. It didn’t matter, at the time I didn’t have a lot of people in my life. I started writing on some different groups, and took on a new name:

Rowan Bristol.

Rowan came at the height of the Brynnie separation issue. While writing, Bryn formed a crush on a co-writer, and made an attempt to contact that person in the real world. That went very badly, and I realized how much I was living in the fantasy. I felt guilty, hated myself further. At the time, I was dating someone. Because of all the disasters, and the crippling loneliness, I was determined to make the relationship work.

She knew about the whole Rowan/Brynnie thing. She didn’t care for it. She wanted someone strong and masculine. It wasn’t something I was very good at. But I think we both were determined to make it work for our own different reasons. We got married.

Bryn wasn’t thrilled with this person, but had given up. I got used to the idea that Bryn was a part of me, but still something separate. I had friends online now that knew all my sides, and didn’t mind. I got comfortable in both roles. Thanks to an incidental Sue-Chan image, Rowan Bristol had a face. After some shared stories with a friends, the furry version of Rowan Bristol took form. On GaiaOnline, Rowan Bristol became the dollfairy Romuel.

Although Brynnie and I had less of a split than ever, the division between online and real life was clear. I kept images of my physical self hidden, and kept information about my life vague, only allowing access to specific people. Even then, even with my new close friends, I felt that if anyone knew the real me, they’d just be disgusted. It worked on either direction. If you liked one side, you’d hate the other. Despite this community of people that loved all of me, I looked only to the negative examples, one of which I lived with. The biggest break came when I was face to face with someone I did desire and Idealize…And they found me attractive as well.

A year ago, my wife and I split up. After rebuilding, I was left with all the options in the world open to me. I began taking care of myself. I started rebuilding. But what to do?

I had a choice. I could keep going this way. I could keep having this separate image, and keep hating the other half…And I’d just get older and lonelier. I’d always have to deal with people knowing one side, and having to face the other. There’s people I know who, despite the damage, maintain their own split worlds devotedly. But the other path was one that, although more challenging, was what Carol Lewis had yelled at me in text 13 years ago.

I am all the things Rowan is. Friendly, funny, compassionate, and tempermental. Rowan is also me: strong, hard, acerbic, and devoted. All these things that I put into someone else, are me. Although I am Steven Fluet, I am Rowan Bristol.

In doing this, I have to break the biggest perception I’ve ever had: That I’m not attractive. This is wrong. Am I overweight? You bet. Dangerously so. And I’m fixing it. But I am attractive. And moreso, this person I see in the mirror, Steve Fluet, is more than capable of being all the things Rowan Bristol is.



I don’t need to have the image of Rowan Bristol manifest in this world. That’s just a picture. Just a representation of what’s already there behind my living eyes. I can be anything. I am a storyteller, after all. So, with that, here’s some additional images of me that you may not have seen. They’re just pictures too. However you see me, However you imagine me, it’s still me. If you've never seen me...Well, Here's some examples from some of my friends:







I want to move on. Complete and whole. I want to meet new people, have new relationships, and have new fun. So today, I do so as myself. If you want to get to know me, you can. The door’s open in a way that hasn’t been before. Which also brings me to this body. I’m doing a lot of work on it, but it’s never going to be perfect. Thanks to hormone adjustments, I’m living in this body more than I’ve ever had…And I like it. So now I’m on the look out. For either gender, frankly. But I’m not going to settle anymore. And whomever I find, I want them to not be ‘settling’ either.

Thank you, Rowan. Thank you for keeping the magic things about myself safe. Now let’s move on together and see what life has to offer.



Special thanks goes to Rene, Kyraa, Grayed, and sue-chan.
Other thanks go to the many friends in my life who helped me get there.